I never get on tumblr anymore, so this is weird.
But I’m about to take a mini-road trip to see one of my best friends of all time, and I need a moment of clarity before I hit the road.
These past few months have been maddening. Crazy good, crazy bad, stressful, life-changing, amazing, ridiculous. Everything. Through it all I have been seeking clarity about a certain individual. A certain individual whom I liked for a very long time, and became closer to as summer drew to a close. He meant the world to me. Everyone else hated him and warned me he was just going to hurt me. I didn’t believe them until most recently. He went back to an ex after leading me on. Again, and again, and again. Honestly, he hurt me worse than any guy ever has in my entire life. It’s taken some time to accept the fact it was my fault too, though. I continued to let him walk all over me, to eat up all his sugar-coated lies, and to ultimately let him establish my self-worth. I believed everything he said to me, and put up with his mind games. I let him into my heart, let myself be vulnerable for the first time in literally years.
Today I am saying, I owe it to myself to end this madness. In the light of clarity, I can see he really was a terrible choice for me. He is not at a stable point in his life. Drug use is prominent. A lot of our ideals don’t line up as well as one might hope. He uses girls. A lot. He used me. I was nothing but another girl to him. Literally a piece of dirt. I have never been lied to so much, or felt so betrayed. I was so disrespected by him, and I didn’t even care. Or maybe just notice. He doesn’t know who I am, and he doesn’t care. Honestly, I am better off than he is at 4 years older than me. I have a stable job, living situation, and I am responsible for all my expenses. I have worked my butt off to support myself since before I even turned 18, and the day I turned 18 you’d better believe I became fully independent. I do not have the option to call up my parents and ask for money when I need it, let alone frivolous presents I’m too lazy to budget out and buy for myself. He is still dependent, still has not reached the age of maturity where he must own up to his own mistakes and take care of things like an adult.
Whatever it was, I’m done. He does not establish my self-worth anymore. There are no tears left for him, and my guard will never be let down with him again. I am left feeling shut down emotionally, but I know everyday is a step towards recovery from this toxicity. When I look into his eyes, I know there will never be the same amount of adoration reciprocated towards me. I am moving towards acceptance, one day, one hour, one minute at a time.
My hope in love is still alive, but my heart has to heal first.
Two of my biggest inspirations. @tylerrjoseph @joshuadun @twentyonepilots #twentyonepilots #bluebird #denver (at Bluebird Theater)
I only ever believed I was beautiful when you told me I was.
I only ever believed I was worth something when you told me I was.
I only ever believed I was loved until you told me I was.
I’ve never felt so safe, or so happy, than I did with you..
And I would go through all this hurt all over again,
If I got to see you, speak to you, love you one more time.
Moons on We Heart It